If It Walks Like a Duck and Quacks Like a Duck, It Must be a Goat..

I used to think I was pretty knowledgeable about a lot of things especially things having to do with vocabulary, semantics, syntax etc. I felt I could read a newspaper article with understanding and draw logical conclusions. Recently I’ve not been so sure. 

For instance, when I read about the Faroukgate scandal and came across the term sting operation, I said to myself “I know what that means, I don’t have to refer to Wikipedia for that” As a self confessed TV lover, one of my favourite genres is crime and investigation. I’ve watched countless episodes of CSI (all the different versions), Criminal Minds, Law &Order (UK & US), NYPD Blue… the list is endless. Bottom line, I take a keen interest in crime drama and documentary and I suspect I’m not the only one who is fascinated by this genre given the rate at which Hollywood churns them out. Americans are capitalists; they stick with the winning formula.

Today I read a headline in The Punch – “I collected money not bribe - Lawan”- and I began to wonder if I really know or understand anything at all. I’ve been waiting for a headline which reads thus “Otedola, Farouk Arrested for Bribery…” but instead I got a headline which says money is not a bribe. After reading today’s headlines, I decided to check the meaning of the term sting operation; after all, it could be that I was mistaken about its meaning all along. I checked 3 different reference sites just to be sure and they all gave this definition: a sting operation is a deceptive operation designed to catch a person committing a crime. Well this confirmed my initial understanding of the term; I was quite relieved by this. 

I remember that Bimbo Adelakun, in one of her earlier columns, had mentioned that the only thing that would come out of this whole scandal was that Nigerians would understand the term ‘sting operation’. From all that has unfolded I don’t quite agree with Ms Adelakun; yes the term has come into our consciousness but it hasn’t quite played out according to its real meaning, it has taken on a ‘Nigerian’ connotation.   I draw this conclusion because a typical sting operation involves security operatives who usually make an arrest once the crime has been committed (I know some people may think I’ve been watching too much TV).  In the case of the Faroukgate sting operation, it’s been almost 3 months since this ‘sting’ and no one has been arrested.  The question that keeps ringing in my head is “was a crime committed?”, from all indications the answer to this is a resounding ‘yes’ which raises another question “why didn’t the security operatives make an arrest?” The only answer I can think of is ‘because this is Nigeria’.

Back to today’s headline which also highlights my ‘ignorance’; I thought I knew the meaning of the word ‘bribe’ but according to Farouk Lawan, I’m just an ignorant so and so who needs to brush up on her vocabulary. As I don’t want to perish in my ignorance, I decided to check up the meaning of the word bribe in the dictionary though I could have sworn that I knew the meaning before today, and here’s what I came up with: Something, such as money or a favour, offered or given to a person in a position of trust to influence that person's views or conduct.

 

Now please let us deconstruct this definition in the light of Messrs Farouk Lawan and Otedola’s early morning meetings. A person was in a position of trust and from my limited understanding, Mr. Lawan as a member of the Federal House of Representatives and a Chairman of an ad-hoc committee could be said to be that person. Money, a whopping $620,000, was offered and given to influence Mr. Lawan’s views or conduct. In this case, Mr. Lawan’s view that Zenon Petroleum should be duly investigated for subsidy fraud changed as soon as money changed hands (couldn’t resist that pun). Mr. Lawan urged his colleagues in the House to remove, erase or delete Zenon Petroleum from the list of companies under investigation. In my limited view, Mr. Lawan’s views and conduct were undeniably influenced by the receipt of the sum of $620,000. I have not read or heard of any report which indicates that Mr. Lawan gave his colleagues any evidence which informed his volte-face on Zenon Petroleum so I can only deduce that money influenced his earlier held view that the company should be investigated for subsidy fraud. However Mr. Lawan contends that he received money and not a bribe. I am greatly mystified by this defense but I choose to stick with my earlier reasoning which is based solely on the established meaning of the word bribe. 

I ran Mr. Lawan’s tenuous distinction between money and a bribe by my brother and he told me that he’s always thought that if it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it is a duck. In this great country, if it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it must be a goat or a snake or a cow or a whale but certainly not a duck!